As another unfortunate part of your separation be prepared to lose friends. In Burt Bacharach’s “Darkest Place”, Elvis Costello croons: “Meanwhile, all our friends must choose who they will favor, who they will lose.” Many people are unable to be friends with both partners; a few might be able to demonstrate the kind of maturity it takes to hold onto both while the two of you are at odds with each other. You might also receive some unkind remarks, even if you haven’t done anything overtly wrong.

People have their own projections and fears about divorce, and they may treat you like your divorce is contagious. Their insecurities can come out by their taking cheap potshots at you (or her). The shakier their own marriage is, the more likely they are to throw garbage in your direction. Don’ t give anybody’s cheap shots any power over you. That won’t always be easy, but it’s important not to let that stuff in. The jazz great Duke Ellington said it very well, Don’t take on other people’s bad blood.

Friends who’ve never been through what you are going through may not recognize how painful and ugly it is when they take sides. It took me two marriages to start having my own friends who would stick with me no matter what. Sure I’ve had couple friends in several relationships over the years since those marriages, but I am never surprised if they side with her and make me wrong. Now I know that is about those people, not about me.

Sometimes friends come back, but that is an unknown. It is a fool’s game to sit around and wait for that to happen. Get about the business of making some new friends of your very own.